Finding Strength in Times of Pain

2012 has been a sucky year.  Starting in January when my younger son first injured his shoulder, and moving on to April when I  realized I had been bitten by a tick and was reacting to the bite, it has been one thing after another.  My son ended up needing shoulder surgery (something we could not figure out until June!), and I was diagnosed with Lyme disease, something that has come back with a vengeance.    In between and since then, there has been what seems like a non-stop barrage of disappointments, bad news, and pain.  But that is not the reason for this post - to whine and complain about how unfair life can be.  Because we all know: Life. Isn't. Fair.  What I want to share with you is how awesome God is - especially when it seems like you have been pushed to your limit and can not take any more.

A few days ago, I got pretty close to hitting rock bottom.  I was ready to throw in the towel and give up.  No, I wasn't suicidal, but I didn't care if I lived or died.  And, worst of all, I was angry at God.  Didn't He promise us that He would never allow us to go through more than we could bear?   My son was hurting - badly - may need another operation on his shoulder, and, to me, that was it.  You can mess with me all you'd like, but mess with one of my kids?... I am convinced that a mother has a connection with her children that is stronger than super-gluing your fingers together, stronger than a paper clip on a 5-pound magnet, stronger than - well - you get the picture.  Since January, I watched my son slowly spiral downward on the injury trail.  And, finally, he was on the mend.  Then this?!  Since stress exacerbates most other ailments, my health took a dive as well.  Pain increased in all my joints and my heart felt like it would burst.   And each day, it has gotten worse and worse.  Until, that is, today.

Today I did what I should have done weeks or months ago.  I cried my heart out to God and then waited...and waited...and listened.   Not only did God soothe and calm me, filling me with that peace that passes understanding that you hear so much about, but He gave me specific instructions.  First of all, He directed me to His Word - I and II Samuel.  I am to read those books this weekend, along with fasting and praying.  And what is even cooler than that is that He directed me to call a friend who often fasts and prays when her son or any loved one is ill to ask her how she fasts and to follow her advice.  I was going to go on an all-liquid diet, but that isn't what she does, nor is it what I will do.  God is so good.  With the way I am feeling, an all-liquid diet would have weakened my immune system further.  I am to give up meat, including fish and eggs, and not eat any pasta or bread until dinner.  During the day, I can eat cottage cheese with fruit and all the veggies I want, including potatoes.  Sounds almost the way we Orthodox Christians eat during Lent and Advent (minus the cottage cheese).   I am really excited about doing this!  

Do I believe the result will be that my son will miraculously be healed and will, therefore, not need another operation?   Not necessarily, although I certainly "hope" that will be the case.  But I do believe that, no matter what happens, my son will be fine.  Better than fine, he will be great.  After all, his faith is often exemplary and he has been an encouragement to me on many occasions.  I even wrote about it in a post entitled "Reflections on a Recent Chat With My Son" (September 9th, 2011).   Also, I need to make it clear that I do not believe that God caused my son's injuries.  I don't believe He causes anything like that to happen to anyone.  Things happen in life, and activities my son engaged in resulted in his shoulder getting bursitis and his labrum tearing. 

I don't know who reads my Blog anymore.  For reasons beyond my understanding, it seems that many of you who do read it, can not comment on anything I say.  The Blog post, "How to Post a Comment on This Blog" has gotten the most hits out of anything else I have written!  So, when I write to you all,  I feel like I am talking to the wind.  I know that not everyone believes in God and that some people who read this post may be offended or think I am nuts for attributing my feelings of peace, and subsequent instructions on maintaining it, to an omniscient being.  So be it.   My hope is that, whatever you believe,  you can find encouragement in the strength I found today.  Although I am a Christian, my friend whose dietary advice I was instructed to take is a wonderful, God-fearing Hindu.   Our God is bigger than "religion", bigger than any one "church", and I love Him for that with all my heart.